What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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