On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
