I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
