Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
