All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
