So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
