You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
