The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
