hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
