god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
