I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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