stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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