4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm getting married
To pizza
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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