is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
