um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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