I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
