at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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