Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Well I just put wine in my tea
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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