Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
