i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
