guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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