Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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