I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
