Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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