Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
