well I can't set my house on fire every night
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
