This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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