Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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