Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
