I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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