fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize