mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
