The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
