A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm having to shit out rocks
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
