Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Randomize
