totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
