I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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