You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
