My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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