I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
