im about as happy as oj after his trial
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
