I wanna bring you to show and tell
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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