I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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