There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
