I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
