Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
