Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
