Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
