I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
