Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
