Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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