i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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