Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
