I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
