So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
