Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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