apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
