Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
