You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
