I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
