it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
